My son is a sinner and I'm an even bigger one!

Mich turned 8 today.
He wants a toy with batteries, one that he can connect to electricity - hint hint. As a little boy making every effort to fit into a new culture and constantly finding himself at a loss, I give him the credit.

He is saying “I’m growing. I need more challenge. These toys were fun but now, they don’t cut it”. It’s all about the Nintendo DS or something similar.

Mich is fun! Especially when he starts throwing those unexpected questions;
Mich: Daddy, does a fish have a heart?
Daddy: Now that is not something I ever got round to thinking about.

Mich: What would happen if we didn’t have saliva?
Daddy: We would not eat or swallow, we would die.

He is complex too. I can’t wrap my mind around him;- extremely moody, sensitive and self concious. His outburst are for world cup! If things don’t go as he planned, he is a wreck! But he is learning about self control.
He is afraid of injections. He will repent of past, present and future mistakes, when he sees a needle.
He unnerves me and presses buttons I never knew existed. At times I get so upset my blood boils, my face warms up, my eyes go red and it feels like I’ll explode or have a fit. At times I’m so raw I pray for sanity. Other times I feel like I have failed him. There are moments I listen to our conversations and it’s hard to tell who’s in charge. I want to shape him, I try, but those notes from his teacher make we want to give up.
Raising a child is hard! Keeping a balance between love and discipline is even harder. I drift to extremes, more towards discipline than affection.

He disobeys, He is disruptive and sometimes he does some really silly things. We talk about it; I ask questions, I listen, I teach, I explain, we pray. He says “Mummy, it is hard! I know what I’m supposed to do but I don’t want to do it. I try but I end up doing what is wrong.” He tries to do good but evil seems the only alternative. It takes me to Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 7:21.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

The other day he said "Sometimes I wish I didn't exist". I felt sad! I started thinking of ways to encourage him when I asked, "Like when?", then he says "Like when I get in trouble" I nearly said "welcome to the club!" how many times have I messed up and wished the ground would swallow me in that instant?!

He is a sinner. Mostly I deny it because I’m embarrassed by his behavior and I'm selfishly concerned about what “they” will think of me. He may not be the teacher’s favorite - the goody two shoes. His room may be a tangible version of chaos (despite our efforts to teach him how to be organised). It feels like teenage has come early but it’s alright! I’ma pray! I’ma do my best and ask Jesus to save his soul and mine too, for I’m a bigger sinner.

He is sweet and curious.
He loves his sister to bits but sometimes I think he could trade her for a holiday.
He is crazy about Science, experiments and discovery. He wants a pet; one day it’s a whale, the next a newt, then a snake, then a gecko, a micro fish and so on. I love the way he pronounces scientific names like he's talking about his buddies.
His handwriting has improved; he doesn’t complain so much about writing anymore - probably figured he was fighting a losing battle. He’s got a great sense of humor and likes to crack jokes.
He loves to read, his concentration is fierce, like the pages were food and he a starved tramp. He ends up with a splitting headache and nibbled finger nails, don’t so much as cough in such a situation for it is a certain precursor to an intense meltdown.
He pays attention to detail and is very careful about things that matter to him; cub scouts, his books, pleasing his friends ...

Did I say he is very serious? A week ago he told his dad how upset he was that his brain was as small as a grape (something he had read). His dad had to clarify that that meant a grape fruit not a grape.

Each day I pray for better understanding and insight, God knows I need it. I’m going to burn the midnight oil and keep on the front page news in heaven. I realise I can't do this parenting job with out Him, my failures and faults glare back at me and I want to disappear - run away.

A letter to my single girl friends

Dear SLs’,

Every so often you come to mind, like a butterfly settling on a flower. I mean, I can be there reading a book or going about my crazy life and then boom! You are on my mind. Did I say this happens often? because it does. I yearn to say so much but I’m afraid it might spill out the wrong way.

My thoughts towards you get tender with each passing day. I prayed for you yesterday. I was listening to a sermon in church when you floated into my mind.

I remembered getting home one Christmas day; beat from dancing at the Christmas Cantata (must have been 1999). I’d had so much fun, I fell asleep. But there was a guy on my mind! Life was just complicated! I

The commute!

6:20a.m: I unlock the door. The morning chill hits me - brrrrrr!
It’s dark outside. The noise of cars whizzing past fills the air – do these people ever sleep? It's a comfort none the less, see, I’m not the only insane person. I trot to the bus stop.

6:25a.m the bus rolls up, I step in, say good morning to the bus driver while I swipe my card. Beep! Good! I still have some units. I look around for a spot to nestle for the next half hour or so. Fellow commuters hurdle in corners trying to catch the last dregs of sleep, others take the chance to read a book. Silence! - except for the vroom of the bus. Forget your taxi radios tuned in to Cha Ba Sa. leave us in peace! Who says we want to listen to what you want? Head phones hello?!

Work: Week 2

Just when I begun questioning, things got better and this is how.
Everyday I got on the bus and worried helplessly about my children: Would they be okay? Would be they be loved and taken care of? Would Amani heal from her illness? Would I get back in time to pick them up?

My bible study one morning stated it this way : "Consider the lilies of the field" – they grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things"
Drops of wisdom begun to sink into my heart.
a) To be grateful for the opportunity to work for this "prestigious" organisation. To embrace the opportunity and get rooted.
b) I'm not the one who keeps my children alive and well, God is. I need to trust Him with them. At times I'm tempted to think "I got this!" because I'm around them, forgetting that God is in charge.
The Sunday sermon was from Luke 10:41- 42: “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

The point? Relax in me, look for me, dwell in me - that's what's better.
I felt the bar of worry melt away - like acid eating metal, the heaviness lifted.

Now, I'm human and from time to time I catch myself worrying and like a restless child who has been told to sit in one place, I have to pick my thoughts up and take them back to where they belong - At the Cross.

1st week at work, sickness, chaos and such

The wait was excruciating, one week seemed like a month and oh! how the days dragged as I waited for the phone call. Every time my phone rung my heart raced until finally there was an email. You've got the job! I was super excited.
Night before I report for work: Amani throws up and coughs to no end, she finally sleeps.
First day: I was up at 5:30am, jumped on the bus at 6:25am, onto the train at 7:05am,  was at the office by 7:50am. Sam sorted out the kids, got Amani dressed, pushed Mich a long, dropped him off at school, got Amani to day care and rushed off to work.
Turns out they were not expecting me yet (long story). I headed home. Got a call from the day care - Amani was not well at all. God's ways! I'm glad I could pick her up. While she was home taking a nap, I received a message from office asking me to start the next day. Damn!! I was hoping for a free week, especially with Amani sick and stuff. I was beginning to feel sick too.
Next day, I was back on the bus, then the train and so on. Got to office, processed my ID, whizzed through the maze of corridors to my desk, just in time for a meeting where I was asked to take minutes.  My brain was spinning with all the jargon but  I managed to make some sense of it, it helped me catch up on the goings on.
My day was done at 5pm, there was a delay with the train, I got to the day care at 6:30, walked through the crazy cold, got home 6:50pm, went straight to the kitchen, put food on the fire, dashed up to shower Amani (who was slowly improving). This time Sam was all sick in the bathroom - something he ate? or maybe Amani's infection spreading??
Back on the trade mill day 2, same routine. Get home exhausted and thinking wow! Is this going to be my life? is it the adjusting pains?
Then I fell sick too, couldn't get out of bed all Saturday. It must have been something we ate. Mich was untouched though.
I would certainly be glad to have a helper, seriously!

Snow white

I’m looking out of the window, watching little magical snowflakes quietly, purposefully, gently, falling to the ground. It’s beautiful. It’s cold.

It’s calming to gaze on from the warmth of my room, exciting too for little kids just breaking off from school and skipping along with glee. Their thirst finally quenched for long they waited. December came and there was nothing, Christmas day too. “Oh! What is Christmas without snow?” they asked. Now they smile for it comes with the New Year!
Mich is bouncing off the walls as usual, looking forward to snow ball fights; Amani's first snow experience and she doesn't quite know what to make of it. Judging from her brother's gymnatics, she figures it's something to be excited about.

I love snow when it first falls. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s crisp. It’s clean. It’s White.
Reminds me of David’s prayer in Psalm 51
“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow”

Isaiah 1:18
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

So when snow falls, it is a reminder that I have a redeemer whose blood cleanses me from my sin and guilt, leaving me pure and clean - whiter that snow.

Aging with(out) the Stars.

You know that time is doing its thing when suddenly the Baroness in “Sound of music” looks young and nicely shaped. Leisl, Captain Von Trapp’s oldest daughter reminds you of your days in high school and Gretl, well, little Gretl is another version of your daughter. Yup! You’ve been around that long, and your favorite movie characters have kept themselves looking feisty.

You reminesce on good times by watching “Gold Finger” and you can’t get over how young James Bond was and yet at the time, he and Captain Von Trapp were your dad’s age mates. We will skip Arnold and Willis in “Different Strokes” because Louis and Mr. Jefferson are now your contemporaries.

I cherish the emotions that get triggered when I watch these classics. I imagine life as an elevator and these movies a constant. At the beginning you are looking up, 10 years later you’re face to face; in another 10 years your gaze is slightly tilted downwards, 10 years after that you are literally bowed down looking at your feet. In quiet moments you wonder whether a) you look as good, b) you have accomplished as much, c) you've used all your talents adequately d) if it’s too late and your window has closed.