Sacrifice!

I met him in the grocery store.
His eyes lit up when he saw me, they followed me as I walked down the aisle. It was 9 pm, I was rushing home when I stopped to buy a few groceries.

All the counters were closed except for the self checkout and there he was again, eager to help. As he packed my groceries, he asked, “So, where do you come from?” clearly he was not referring to my local residence but my country of origin.

Do I look so obviously foreign? I wondered.
“Where do you think I come from?” I asked
“Senegal?, Cameroon?, Nigeria ?”
I shook my head each time.
“I’m from East Africa, Uganda to be exact”.
Then he said "Yes, people from East Africa are dark like you".
I couldn't disagree more but since Sudan is in the general area, he was right in the large scheme of things.

I thought he was a Nigerian although his accent was not too “a beggo” and he seemed a little less assertive, turns out he was Ghanaian.
In a few short minutes, he had rolled out the intimate details of his life; he was a father and a husband, he had 3 boys and this was his second time in America. He lit up when he spoke of his family, suddenly transposed to another place, a longing smile crept on to his face as if he was peering down at his wife and kids through a window.

“I left before my last born could walk, he is walking now, he even says a few words. My wife will join me, but first I need to make some money"

His story tagged at my heart strings but in this country one can't afford to carry impromptu burdens just like that, you'll trip and all your cards will come crumbling down. There is hardly room for unplanned detours.
He however had recognised a kindred and would not let my eyes wonder as his were glued to mine. This was his opportunity to relieve the pressure bottled up inside this cold and lonely place.
I was a friend. He didn't know my name but that wouldn't hinder his search for a "familiar face", one who understood his language.
As I peered into his world, for a few brief seconds, his sacrifice was almost tangible.
His desire to make life better for his family had him packing groceries in a foreign land.

He constantly thinks of his boys. He longs for his wife, to eat the fufu and okra she lovingly prepares for him, to feel the warmth of her body as he lies down to sleep at night. He stares at the cold burger and fries that will be his meal for the night, tasteless...

"...My wife will join me, but first I need to make some money"

“What was his status in this country?” “If his papers were not clear, how long would it take before his family could join him?”
All this didn't seem to phase him, not that I asked.
He is here, he has a job, and when the time is right, he will be reunited with his family.

Is this part of the curse for man's sin in the garden of Eden?

"The very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground
Will be as painful as having babies is for your wife; you'll be working in pain all your life long". Genesis 3:17

I think of families around the world separated by waters and boarders, visible and invisible. Separated by work, school, careers, beliefs, finances, documents and countless other reasons.
Huge sacrifices!
May they pay off and bring warmth back to hearts that are slowly freezing but continuously fighting to keep the blood flowing.

Cherry blossom pleasure

I took some pictures on my way to work one Friday morning. I had a really good day, couldn't stop smiling, the scenery warmed my heart completely.

The Daniel Fast and Captain Haddock

For some Easter is over and done with, for me, it is a recurring event. I can't get enough of it.
Like a thunderous crescendo it sets my heart pumping faster with excitement. The Hosannas as Jesus rides on a donkey, to the anguish in the garden of Gethsemane; the desertion and loneliness of the cross, the deepest darkest hell and finally Jesus bursting forth in triumph over death on the 3rd day - Life changing!

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth …

“6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!
Refrain!!!

On the 20th of February I started the Daniel fast. Hungry for more than food, I yearned to be quiet, to shut out the bustle of life and spend focused time with God.

My son is a sinner and I'm an even bigger one!

Mich turned 8 today.
He wants a toy with batteries, one that he can connect to electricity - hint hint. As a little boy making every effort to fit into a new culture and constantly finding himself at a loss, I give him the credit.

He is saying “I’m growing. I need more challenge. These toys were fun but now, they don’t cut it”. It’s all about the Nintendo DS or something similar.

Mich is fun! Especially when he starts throwing those unexpected questions;
Mich: Daddy, does a fish have a heart?
Daddy: Now that is not something I ever got round to thinking about.

Mich: What would happen if we didn’t have saliva?
Daddy: We would not eat or swallow, we would die.

He is complex too. I can’t wrap my mind around him;- extremely moody, sensitive and self concious. His outburst are for world cup! If things don’t go as he planned, he is a wreck! But he is learning about self control.
He is afraid of injections. He will repent of past, present and future mistakes, when he sees a needle.
He unnerves me and presses buttons I never knew existed. At times I get so upset my blood boils, my face warms up, my eyes go red and it feels like I’ll explode or have a fit. At times I’m so raw I pray for sanity. Other times I feel like I have failed him. There are moments I listen to our conversations and it’s hard to tell who’s in charge. I want to shape him, I try, but those notes from his teacher make we want to give up.
Raising a child is hard! Keeping a balance between love and discipline is even harder. I drift to extremes, more towards discipline than affection.

He disobeys, He is disruptive and sometimes he does some really silly things. We talk about it; I ask questions, I listen, I teach, I explain, we pray. He says “Mummy, it is hard! I know what I’m supposed to do but I don’t want to do it. I try but I end up doing what is wrong.” He tries to do good but evil seems the only alternative. It takes me to Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 7:21.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

The other day he said "Sometimes I wish I didn't exist". I felt sad! I started thinking of ways to encourage him when I asked, "Like when?", then he says "Like when I get in trouble" I nearly said "welcome to the club!" how many times have I messed up and wished the ground would swallow me in that instant?!

He is a sinner. Mostly I deny it because I’m embarrassed by his behavior and I'm selfishly concerned about what “they” will think of me. He may not be the teacher’s favorite - the goody two shoes. His room may be a tangible version of chaos (despite our efforts to teach him how to be organised). It feels like teenage has come early but it’s alright! I’ma pray! I’ma do my best and ask Jesus to save his soul and mine too, for I’m a bigger sinner.

He is sweet and curious.
He loves his sister to bits but sometimes I think he could trade her for a holiday.
He is crazy about Science, experiments and discovery. He wants a pet; one day it’s a whale, the next a newt, then a snake, then a gecko, a micro fish and so on. I love the way he pronounces scientific names like he's talking about his buddies.
His handwriting has improved; he doesn’t complain so much about writing anymore - probably figured he was fighting a losing battle. He’s got a great sense of humor and likes to crack jokes.
He loves to read, his concentration is fierce, like the pages were food and he a starved tramp. He ends up with a splitting headache and nibbled finger nails, don’t so much as cough in such a situation for it is a certain precursor to an intense meltdown.
He pays attention to detail and is very careful about things that matter to him; cub scouts, his books, pleasing his friends ...

Did I say he is very serious? A week ago he told his dad how upset he was that his brain was as small as a grape (something he had read). His dad had to clarify that that meant a grape fruit not a grape.

Each day I pray for better understanding and insight, God knows I need it. I’m going to burn the midnight oil and keep on the front page news in heaven. I realise I can't do this parenting job with out Him, my failures and faults glare back at me and I want to disappear - run away.

A letter to my single girl friends

Dear SLs’,

Every so often you come to mind, like a butterfly settling on a flower. I mean, I can be there reading a book or going about my crazy life and then boom! You are on my mind. Did I say this happens often? because it does. I yearn to say so much but I’m afraid it might spill out the wrong way.

My thoughts towards you get tender with each passing day. I prayed for you yesterday. I was listening to a sermon in church when you floated into my mind.

I remembered getting home one Christmas day; beat from dancing at the Christmas Cantata (must have been 1999). I’d had so much fun, I fell asleep. But there was a guy on my mind! Life was just complicated! I

The commute!

6:20a.m: I unlock the door. The morning chill hits me - brrrrrr!
It’s dark outside. The noise of cars whizzing past fills the air – do these people ever sleep? It's a comfort none the less, see, I’m not the only insane person. I trot to the bus stop.

6:25a.m the bus rolls up, I step in, say good morning to the bus driver while I swipe my card. Beep! Good! I still have some units. I look around for a spot to nestle for the next half hour or so. Fellow commuters hurdle in corners trying to catch the last dregs of sleep, others take the chance to read a book. Silence! - except for the vroom of the bus. Forget your taxi radios tuned in to Cha Ba Sa. leave us in peace! Who says we want to listen to what you want? Head phones hello?!

Work: Week 2

Just when I begun questioning, things got better and this is how.
Everyday I got on the bus and worried helplessly about my children: Would they be okay? Would be they be loved and taken care of? Would Amani heal from her illness? Would I get back in time to pick them up?

My bible study one morning stated it this way : "Consider the lilies of the field" – they grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things"
Drops of wisdom begun to sink into my heart.
a) To be grateful for the opportunity to work for this "prestigious" organisation. To embrace the opportunity and get rooted.
b) I'm not the one who keeps my children alive and well, God is. I need to trust Him with them. At times I'm tempted to think "I got this!" because I'm around them, forgetting that God is in charge.
The Sunday sermon was from Luke 10:41- 42: “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

The point? Relax in me, look for me, dwell in me - that's what's better.
I felt the bar of worry melt away - like acid eating metal, the heaviness lifted.

Now, I'm human and from time to time I catch myself worrying and like a restless child who has been told to sit in one place, I have to pick my thoughts up and take them back to where they belong - At the Cross.