Lonely but not alone

Lost in the vast expanse of place and people

People gently and violently dying

Craving, longing, yearning for a touch, a smile

A sign of recognition

Not aware of the need but wanting it all the same

Cold, blank stares everywhere

Mechanical beings walk the streets

Heartless empty eyes stare into space

Searching for something they don’t know

Look into my eyes

What do you see?

More of you or something else?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 This poem is birthed out of a corner of my life,  a strange unfamiliar, familiar place.

When life takes a turn

I dialed her number. I didn’t know what to say, my heart was breaking.
She said “Hello!” and I felt like my heart was being squished. She spoke in a monotone, flat, lifeless - drab, just getting the words out, that was all, just getting the words out.

“Mary, my baby is gone”
“Mary, we did all we could, we tried everything”.
“You think, only 11 years and then again, all the 11 years”

I wanted to scream. "WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT??!!" This is absolutely insane.

Pants on fire

It feels like Huckleberry Fin and Tom Sawyer merged into one. It’s the quick answers, the fidgeting; the shaky pupils afraid to make eye contact, all in an effort to hide something.

My young man is tangled in the lying web and he can’t save himself. As soon as he shakes his hand free, his leg gets caught. The web is all over his hair and face – an endless cycle. Just when he thinks he has figured it out mom and dad carefully unpack the story right before his eyes. At times there is an innocence to it and he will in fact give himself away, but other times wickedness rears its head without disguise and I want to scream. Alas! This is a contract that Adam signed for each of us as we came into this world.

When he said he’d done all his homework and he hadn’t. When he said he’d brushed his teeth and the tooth brush was as dry as the Sahara. Then the DS he brought home that was given to him by his teacher for doing an excellent job in class. A few more questions and the story tanned like a chameleon crawling over a rainbow. He couldn’t decide just how to connect the tale.
How could my baby lie to me? I was furious!
What happened to the safety he felt with mom and dad? When did trust fly out the window?
I felt like I had failed at parenting, at creating a safe environment to tell mommy the truth. Then I was reminded how we are all infected with Adam’s sin. Slowly the picture of a cute, innocent, trusting little human being begins to fade.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

All? Including the cooing baby just starting to make sense of his surroundings? The baby unable to speak or “think” (as we define it)?
The very fact of our existence; the essence of our being is a sentence.
A taste of what God must have felt in the garden when Adam and Eve hid.

I failed again with my response. I failed to stay calm, to love him despite of the act. I erupted! “Lying is a sin, liars go to hell, and the devil is the father of lies”. He recoiled.

Such a selfish act on my part, I was more concerned about the "purity" being tarnished instead of the person inside. Why the fables and tales? What was going on inside? Was there cause for him to lie? Was he afraid of my reaction?

How do I build this trust again? How do I communicate that I love him but lying is wrong? How do I awaken his conscience to the ugliness of lies? How do I teach him the importance of being earnest? Is it a phase? Should I ignore it? Am I being too harsh?

On losing a child

Right now, a mother celebrates the birth of a child!
Right now, a mother mourns the death of a child!

To friends who have recently lost new born babies: I could write a card, but a card won’t allow me the space.

Lying in that hospital bed, listening to heart beats through a heart monitor - they are fast and furious like rain falling to a rhythm. There is hope. News that the little bundle of joy will not live to blow birthday candles, kills apart of her. Things fall apart! The world goes spinning and spinning, the heart breaking and breaking, and they cry and cry. Sorrow as deep as the ocean floods every vein in the mother’s body she suffers silently with engorged breasts without the sweet lips to suckle away.
The loss of a child is heart wrenching. A force inside compels her to scream hard, to shake off the pain but it holds on like her very skin.

Writhing in pain, she is certain she's lost her mind eternally. The world is shades of gray. There, in that hospital room, (class room) is a lesson on surrender. She holds the wonder of life and watches him slip away; holding on, yet letting go, she trembles; knowing he is going to a better place but so badly wanting him to stay here.

My heart goes out every time I learn a friend has lost a child at birth or in Utero but instead of shaking my head, I nod. It is going to be alright! I pulled through, you will too, especially if you know Jesus.

Hold on to Jesus. He is right there with you. No one understands the pain of losing a child like God does.
It will take a while, but you will heal, God is amazing like that. He is the same good God. Some day you will encourage another sister whose heart has been shredded by the loss of a loved one.
God allows us tread certain paths so that we can; lead others, offer a seat for them to rest, and water to quench their thirst along the way. Allow Him to use your life for His purpose even though the road seems pretty dark.
You will see that little guy again. It’s not over. They are with father God and that is just awesome!
When family and friends are gone (and they will go), when you feel alone, just remember, you are not alone, He is right there with you.

God sprinkles songs to wet your face and cool off the steam. Drink in the words; “I will praise you in this storm”, “I will be still and know you are God”, “Jesus bring the rain”, “Blessed be your name on the road marked…”, “The anchor holds though the ship is battered” … find solace in those lyrics.
May God surround you with friends who will listen to you recount the event. Pour out your heart, talk about it at every opportunity. The load gets lighter as you share and other broken hearts are mended.

Cry! Cry some more, don’t hold back let it all out. Ignore the pressure to jump back into the craziness of life until you are ready. Life can suck out your marrow if you don’t deal with the sorrow within.

PRAY! Talk to God and when you are done, talk to Him some more. There is safety, assurance and hope in the father’s arms.

May your healing come swiftly.