Jesus Bring The Rain

So I have shared with you how I lost two children last year and how God has never been closer. I'm so excited about Him and knowing that He holds my life in His hands. God has given me a joy and a peace that is definitely from heavens throne.
I have had people ask me how I can be happy and talk about God with such tenderness even with all I have gone through. It's hard to explain sometimes but I really know that God is a good God and He has the best for me.
I continue to pray, "I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. ".

Obviously thinking about Nziiza and Kwizera still brings tears to my eyes (sometimes) but more than that it brings Jesus even closer. He continues to be the center of my focus, I accept whatever He brings the good and the not so good.

One day I heard this song on the radio and my expression was "what??, someone put these words to a song?!" absolutely amazing.



"Bring The Rain" by Mercyme
I can count a million times
People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You


Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy Is the Lord God Almighty

Round 2

Continued

Our time in Dallas was over and we were ready to head back to Philadelphia.

I was a little excited about getting back because we were returning to what was familiar. I was getting back to friends I had made, to church and Philly.
My pastor and his wife had been in touch over the summer and had prayed with us. It was nice seeing them again.

Then I found out I was pregnant again, yee! that's cool!.
I began my prenatal visits immediately. A week after my 16 weeks (4 months) prenatal visit, I noticed something which I thought was quite unusual. I called the hospital but since I wasn't feeling any kind of pain they were reluctant to see me but I went anyway.
The Doctor examined me and said my water bag was bulging out of my cervix and it was only a matter of time before I would go into labor.
It was absolutely terrifying receiving this news all by myself.
I almost fainted, I was mortified and in absolute shock. My body was shaking like a leaf. I just couldn’t believe what she was saying. I kept saying "Jesus no, this can’t be happening again".
The doctor asked me who I had come with and I told her I was alone, Sam was home with Mich. She asked me to stay the night so they could monitor me.
Man! it was horrible, this thing of being alone in the toughest of times was getting a bit much.
I called Sam, told him what the doctor had said and asked him to contact Becca (the pastors wife).
Becca got the news and showed up at 2am to spent the night with me in hospital. God sent an angel.

The doctor came to check on me, there was no change. I asked her if there was any way they could save the situation and she said no. I began bargaining with her, how about this, or that, maybe... again she said "I'm sorry but there is nothing else we can do".
Then she said even doctors can only do so much, it's in God's hands. After she said that I kept quiet, she had hit the nail on the head. Only God could work this situation.

I was sent home and put on strict bed rest. I had never thought about it but strict bed rest is extremely tough, tough, tough. I tried to read and do other things in bed, it was only two days and I felt like it had been weeks. The aches, the helplessness, the anxiety, a bit much.
Sam held the fort heroically bless God, he was able to look after both Mich and I. He washed Mich, created meals (seeing as cooking is not exactly one of his strengths) and was basically our nurse.
My Pastor and his wife were there for us in an amazing way, they cooked us a meal, looked after Mich and prayed with us.
On Sunday I got a call from the doctor, she had spoken to one of the high risk doctors who was willing to see me for what it was worth.

So Monday we went in and did the ultra sound, things had not changed, everything was like it was on Friday night.

So we had a talk,

-bed rest; I'm 19 weeks at this point, if I stay on bed rest for another 6 weeks maybe, just maybe the baby will have a chance. That means possibility of all kinds of deformities, deafness, blindness, bone problems, stomach problems e.t.c but that is only and only if baby can even make it out of the delivery room.

-Cervical cerclage;, we couldn't even go down that road, I was way past the safe period to have that done, the water bag was already in the way. So either the water bag breaks as they try to push it back or the cause damage to the cervix since it was already so thin.

-Let nature take it's course; lets leave things as they are and see how far you go. The process is already started so we can't reverse things now, it will only be a matter of time. Stay on bed rest but remember that the likelihood of infection is greatly increased.

-Induction, get the process started and have it all done so that I don't face the risk of getting an infection or putting my life in danger.

Which ever way we looked at it I was losing my baby.
I had feelings of anger, of being a victim, of sorrow, of helplessness, of disappointment to mention but a few.
I tried to contact my doctor, she had seen me 4 days before all this and had said I was doing great. Somehow I couldn't get her.
That night I was admitted to hospital and guess what?! it was my doctor on duty.
She walked in the door and was at a loss for words. She took hold of my hand and I saw tears well up in her eyes. I knew she was sorry, it wasn't her fault anyway. Then she said "Mary I will stay here and hold your hand all through the night, if that is what you want me to do". I broke down and cried, and cried and cried, the pain of loosing another child was indescribable. What really hurt me was the fact that the baby was fine, moving and kicking and secure.
Kwizera (meaning faith) was born on the morning of the 17th December. He was a cutie too, he looked just like Mich but really tiny.

I felt God was holding my hand and saying I will get you through this, I’m here with you.
"It's tough, I'm not taking away the pain or heartache but I'm here and I will see you through".
My heart was quickened to Psalm 121 where he says He who watches over you will not sleep. He wasn’t a sleep or unaware of what was happening to me. He was with me when I went for my appointments. He could have changed everything but He didn't, there had to be a reason.
I found my comfort right there, knowing that all this is not hidden from His sight and He knows just what to do.

I surrender

Continued

Five days after we got to Dallas Sam had to begin work.
He flew to Houston every Monday morning and flew back every Thursday night.

For a while there I thought I would loose it, I was basically on my own.
I had no one to talk to, on top of that Mich had his own issues. He wanted to play, he wanted to be carried, he wanted to explore all of Dallas, everything was new and exciting for him.
I felt so drained. I literally woke up everyday for his sake, to make him breakfast, give him a bath, take him out to play, everything.

That said Dallas was breath takingly beautiful, it was so green, so neat, so peaceful, the perfect place for solitude. Down by the springs was a glorious expression of God's creation. Everything was in harmony, the birds chirping, the squirrels darting around, the ducks moving gracefully, the fish and turtles in the water, beautiful!. It was the best place for meditation, you couldn't deny there was a God, but my heart was bleeding. It was a bitter sweet experience.
Now, looking back I know He was calling me aside, to rest a while in His presence.He made me lie down in green pastures, He led me beside the quiet waters,
He was restoring my soul, guiding me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death,He was with me; His rod and His staff, they comforted me.












Walking around I felt like a zombie, like people could see me but again couldn't see me. Nobody knew me or what I was going through, I was surviving some how. I so badly needed comfort, I needed someone to take care of me but there was no one.
I lived for the emails and phone calls from family and friends but they could only do so much from a distance. I remember telling some of my friends back home what had happened and I didn't ever hear back from them. That crushed me, the time I needed them most they were not there.The only person I could run to was God, He had to be my everything. He was the only one who knew exactly how I felt and He was the only one who could truly comfort me.

I remember singing this song and choking with tears.


Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name...

You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

Isaiah 6:1 says, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and the skirts of His train filled the temple".
Just like Isaiah all my kings had died, my husband was in Houston, my family was over the ocean and I had no friends to hold me. THEN I saw the Lord! exalted high He was that faithful friend who held my heart and my hurt.
One evening I was taking a walk in the park, talking to God and telling Him how I was looking forward to seeing His blessings out of this. He told me, my love and devotion should not be dependent on what He is going to do for me because then my love is not genuine. He said, I needed to love Him regardless of whether or not He blessed me. That left me speechless.

The next morning I heard this song on radio and it said what my heart was crying.




I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see your majesty
To be still and know that your in this place
Please let me stay and rest In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You,
Beyond the music beyond the noise,
All that I need is to be with you
And in the quiet hear your voice.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay.
I reached the point of surrender, I said;
"I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. If it means giving away all that I am, all that I have, health, family, friends, all the things that "define me", then let it be. God if it means taking my life so that Glory comes to you, LET IT BE. It's painful, it's hard, but I surrender all".
Immediately there was a big burden lifted off of me and I was filled with inexplicable Joy. Oh what JOY!!!.
Nothing could compare with the freedom of knowing God was in charge and that I could trust Him with my life.
Then I knew that God truly understood what I was feeling because He gave His only son to die for me. He felt the pain of loosing a child, the sorrow of having to turn away from His son because He was covered with our sin.
As if that was not enough, I was reminded that Jesus had walked my road. He didn't just understand but He had been through it. He had struggled with God's will, to the point of sweating blood.
Matthew 26:38-39 "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" '

God is beautiful

Continued

At 7:04 am on June 5th, Nziiza was born. Nziiza is the attribute of God being beautiful. The nurses asked Sam and I if we wanted to see him and we said most definitely.
They cleaned him up and brought him to us. He was alive, the cutest, He looked just like his dad. I held him in my arms, it was a surreal moment, almost unbelievable.
I felt like I was looking at God Himself, it was as though I left my body and was looking down at me from above.
It was scary, it was awesome, it was heart breaking, it was shocking, it was everything.
You know how you blink and hope you will see something else when you open your eyes?, yeah it was some what like that. I felt like I was in another realm.
I gave him to Sam, we cried and prayed and gave him Jesus.
God's presence was so real in that hospital room, I can not tell you how much. Sometimes words can not do things justice.
At the end of it all I was exhausted, I fell asleep.

I woke a few hours later and oh! how it sunk that it hadn't been a bad dream. I was in hospital and Sam was right next to me. The song that immediately came to mind was ...


"Though the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are king over the flood, I will be still and know you are God".
There's a strength I found in acknowlegding God's power.
Then I remembered Andrew. The last Sunday before leaving for Dallas, the Lord had laid it on Andrew's heart that Sam was going through a tough experience or that it would happen in the near future. The encouragement was that God would be with him through it all. That was spooky then.
Now I knew that God saw this coming and sent someone to tell us that He would be there.

The hospital offered to bury Nziiza, we couldn't take his body anywhere anyway. One, we were visiting in Memphis two, we were visiting in Dallas three, we were visiting in Philadelphia. Home was far, far, away. Then they brought us a cute little box that had the very first clothes that Nziiza put on. They included his little hand and foot prints, a few pictures and a card. I remember looking at these things and thinking huh??
Jim and Barbara came to hospital that afternoon, we said a prayer of dedication and they took us home. The next day we said bye to the Pendletons and started our journey back to Dallas. The funny thing is, it felt like that was the very reason for which we had gone to Memphis.

What?!

Continued

We flew into Dallas on a Thursday, got into our apartment on Friday and headed to Memphis on Saturday morning.
Memphis! the city of Elvis Presley. This is where Sam studied for his first masters degree, so we thought it would be nice to catchup with his old friends.
The weather was fantastic, the houses were beautiful and well looked after, it was a very nice place.
We were hosted by Jim and Barbara Pendleton, they were Sam's host family while he was at school. It was wonderful to finally meet them, they welcomed Sam and I like their own children. Mich had a blast!, they had a cat and a dog that he was constantly chasing and being chased by. Melody, Jim's daughter loved Mich and so they played together from time to time.

We spent much of our time visiting with friends, driving through the town to see where Sam had lived and worked those many years ago. We attended service at his church, visited his school, had dinner with his pastor. It was a busy and fun time.
For Mich's sake we went to the zoo, and spent about three hours seeing all these fascinating creatures. He particularly had a big grin on his face because Melody chose to carry him on her back.
By the end of all this we were exhausted but had to attend one last dinner with friends before we left the next day.

We got home about 9pm in the night and I headed straight up to bed. I couldn't quite rest because baby was moving and kicking a lot. I thought, you know, it's been a long day, let me rest a little and he will settle down. That didn't happen, instead I started cramping, I thought "hmm, that's weird". I sent my sister a text message telling her to pray for me because I wasn't feeling too good and she responded immediately.
Things took a different turn from that point, the pain became more regular and more intense. I asked Sam to time the contractions because I kind of realised I might actually be in labor. The pain subsided a little and then started up again. I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood, at this point we knew things were serious.
It was about 12 midnight, I asked Sam to wake Jim up and get me to hospital as soon as possible.
Jim dressed up, said he knew a hospital not to far away and drove us there.
I was in such excrutiating pain, I couldn't contain my self.
We got to the hospital and I was immediately assigned a room and put on an IV drip. In my mind I thought, "everything will be fine, all they need to do is calm things down with some medication".
The nurses monitored the baby's heart rate and it was okay. I thought "great, now all they need to do is make sure my body has stabilised and then we can head home". We had planned to travel back to Dallas the next day.

After a while the doctor came in and did a physical examination. She said something like, "your cervix has dilated and I can see the baby's legs in the birth canal". That didn't make any sense to me. Then she said,"your water sac is raptured, looks like you have an infection and the baby is trying to fight it". I still didn't get it, I was only six months on, such things don't happen.
She said it was too late to stop the contractions, the baby was already on the way.
She said the baby was too young to survive in an incubator and even if they tried, he was most definitely going to suffer some kind of deformity.
She said, "I'm sorry but we will have to let nature take it's course".
I was just looking at her saying all these things and for a moment it seemed like I was having illusions.
Ofcourse she tried to help up internalise the situation but everything was happening so fast.

I was given some pain medication, but I was still confused.

Huh?, what did she say?, what's going on?

Background

Continued

I began by introducing myself and which country I come from. To give a bit of perspective, I shared a little about my background.
I come from a family of six children and I got the lucky ticket, I'm the last born.
For those of you who don't know what that meant, I will try to elaborate.
It meant, a good life, no stress, no worries, everything was sorted. I will give you a good example.
When I had just joined elementary school P1 to be exact, my brother Peter was the head prefect.
One day some boy wanted to take my pencil, I tried to fight politely. Then a friend of his asked him if he knew who I was and the boy had no clue. His friend said "that's the head boy's sister, she can report you to him. He will write your name in the black book, take you to the headmasters office for spanking, then they will call your parents". I don't think I saw the boy again, I just recall marvelling at what his friend had said. I had no idea I was so privileged, I liked that kid, he saved me.

In secondary school I was hardly teased, my sister was a teacher in the school so people knew better. I didn't apply for my first job, I just got it, good recommendations.
When I was asked how I got jobs with MTN and the World Bank, "well, I applied".
I'm basically saying things seemed to fall into my laps somehow, I didn't strive much.

Fast forward to two years ago, Sam got accepted to Wharton Business School in Philadelphia and we were thrilled. After a while it hit me that I was actually leaving my comfort zone, all that was familiar; family, friends, church, my job, my life as I knew it was taking on a new face. I was moving into new, uncertain territory, that was scary but I had no doubt that it was the thing to do. I said my good byes then Mich and I boarded the plane to Philadelphia (some of you might remember the drama on the plane and all).

Settling into Philly was absolutely crazy, we arrived in the middle of a heat wave. Yay! that was hot!. You know, I thought Africa was hot but this was something else, baking was an understatement. Then there was the culture shock, finding my way around, helping Mich adjust to this strange place with no family, madness just!. Sam was away almost all the time, school was too intense.
Anyway as you may notice, we survived to tell the story.

Slowly I became used to the life, I had one or two people I could spend time with. I knew my way around, we found a church, I found food that we understood, life was shaping up.
Then I found out that I was pregnant, fantastic!! there couldn't be a better time. I wasn't working, it was just like I was on leave and what better way to spend the time other than raising kids.

Not long after that Sam got an internship offer and we had to move to Dallas. Great!!!, just when I thought I was getting used to Philly we had to move again and start the whole adjustment thing. We had no friends there, I was told Dallas is scorching in the summer and as some of you might know, heat and a pregnant woman are not exactly friends. I began to get a little worried. My medical insurance didn't cover me outside Pennsylvania, I had to find a new doctor, we didn't have a car, Sam was going to be away Monday to Thursday. There were lots of uncertainties, that is when I was reminded of Philippians 4:6 -7
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life".
That kept me going, I knew that God would sort things out. There was a song that I kept playing over and over, it became my prayer.


Hide me Lord, under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand.
When the oceans rise and thunder roars
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
Rest my soul, in Christ alone
For there's power in quietness and trust.
I would listen to this song and cry, it was overwhelming. One thing was sure, God was sovereign and I knew He would handle my situations.

Testimony

About a month ago, Brad (my pastor) asked me to share with the church how I saw God work in my life since coming Philadelphia.
At first I thought he was kidding, I almost said "huh?? you talkin ta me?", (with the Robert Deniro face and accent), he was dead serious.
I wondered what gave him such a weird idea, but truthfully I will tell you I saw it coming.
I knew at some point I would have to share about the way I experienced God but I was hoping that day wouldn't come.
It's complicated.
Addressing a group of people isn't easy, I mean even two people is tough and we were talking about 100 some. I have trouble with this, my mind tends to go blank and then I end up saying silly things that are incomprehensible.
I tried to wiggle out of it, I said "you know, I could write it down and then have Sam read it to the congregation" (lame excuse right?!) . Nah, he wasn't about to barge, then I said "let me pray about it", what I really meant was let me adjust to the idea. I couldn't kid anyone, I knew I had to do it, not because Brad had mentioned it but it was something God had placed on my heart a while back.

I went home and starting thinking through my experiences and how I would put it all together. Believe or not I ended up writing 16 pages, when I told Sam he said I had to be kidding. It was way too long, he said I needed to get it down to at most 6 pages, then he would read it. "What?! 6 pages? how am I supposed to do that, there is too much to say".
Well, I got it down to 6 pages then Sam and Brad helped me to make it sensible. By the end of the whole process of writing and rewriting, I was down to 3 pages. I had only 30 minutes to talk, so I needed to be brief ish.
Unfortunately for you (my dear readers), it will go up to about 60 pages, because this is what I'll be writing about for the next days, weeks or months, so brace yourselves.

Anyway, so the day finally arrived. I got to church, Brad handed me the small mike to attach to my blouse and I sat and waited till he called me up.
He said something like "I would like to introduce our speaker for the day ..." (I don't remember the exact words). At this point I was asking myself, "how did I get in to this position again?", I wanted to run out the door but it was too late.
I stood up and smiled, looked at the congregation and a confidence I have never known came over me.

To be continued.