Sons and Fathers; Messing With The Pumpkin in The Old Homestead

According to Myers Briggs I am an INFP; an Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving human being. In my world intuition reigns over intellect. Once I believe in a cause it is almost impossible to convince me otherwise. I will hold on to that truth for all its worth. Yes, it’s been said “the heart is not so smart” but the head has its faults too. It is prone to wander off on numerous errands of futile intellectual pursuit.  Like Tolkien I admit “I am a mere individual…with intense feelings more than ideas”.

Since coming to America I’m more aware that intellectual and logical arguments reign supreme. Statements of “I think” capture attention while statements of “I feel” or “I believe” lose the crowd. “Why do you feel? Explain it. How did you come to this conclusion?”

 It's intuition. A gut feeling. An observation. 

The sweet spot however is a fine balance between heart and mind but even this is hard to master.

Born and bred on the muddy hills of Kampala and the flat dry plains of Soroti, it is sufficient to say I am an African woman. My values were shaped in an African home. I had a grandmother who taught me to handle hot saucepans with my bare hands while my brothers learned to milk the cows. I have another grandmother who doesn’t take well to girls in trousers. Even as she grows blind she hugs me and checks that my clothes don’t divide between my legs. After becoming a Christian the weight of tradition was shaken off. I no longer live under the law of do’s and don’ts but under grace. It is not so much the way I dress but what I believe that defines the essence of my identity. Christianity digs under the surface to shape my world view and my purpose in it. The scripture “It is for freedom that Christ set us free”, takes on a whole new meaning. The constrictions of the law are nullified. There is a change of values. World trends are put into perspective through the biblical lens. God’s word becomes the pumpkin in the old homestead that should not be uprooted.

Living in America these past 3 years has firmed up my ideals and illuminated biblical concepts such as the value of family and the important link between fathers and sons. I have come to appreciate my culture and upbringing. I may not have a doctorate in family psychology but I have listened to sons’ desperate struggles to fill the empty space left by absent fathers. I have seen little boys thirst for acceptance and approval from their fathers. I have watched young men seek to answer to the question “Who am I? Where did I come from? What is my ancestry?” I have seen the effect: slouched shoulders, self-determination, confidence, doubt, uncertainty, self-awareness and confusion.

I was thrown into a panic each time the topic of same – sex relations was raised. I was compelled to bury my head in the sand and wait for the storm to pass and yet my instinct as a Christian nudged me to engage, to face the issue square and listen to understand. Motivated by a greater interest in the people as opposed to their actions  I took a peek into this life. I engaged in conversations, listened to discussions and read personal stories. Acceptance and freedom were recurring themes. Sons yearned for love and a deep desire to connect with their fathers. In almost every case they suffered broken relationships with their fathers. This is the essence of the Bible. Scripture is hinged on the most quoted verse in the bible John 3:16: – “ For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” When God gave His son, He gave Himself.

He sent his son to tell us that He loved us. We all desire to be loved and accepted. Through His son he communicated - If they accept you, the gap between us will be bridged. It’s a father calling out to His children.

His son while on earth talked about his father and their relationship. Without his father, Jesus didn’t exist. That was his identity – his motivation and purpose were locked tightly around his father.

⁴⁹ “But why did you need to search?” he asked. “Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Luke 2:49 and John 15

My 10 year old son once told his dad, "Be careful what you do to mum because that is what I will do to my wife". “I-will-be-who-you-are” - a bond God placed within human nature.

In conversation a friend in a same-sex relationship mentioned that her 8 year old son once asked if he looked like his dad whom he has never met. In that question I heard a little boy’s quest for identity - “Finding self”. How can a boy find himself if not through the eyes of his father? A father represents the source of identity, the board off of which the son will jump either to greater heights or fall flat. The question “who am I?” seeks an answer from the source - another like itself.

 ^“But even as he spoke, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Listen to him.” Matt 17:5

^“After his baptism, as Jesus came up out of the water, the heavens were opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and settling on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.” Matt 3:16 – 17

Most boys desire a step by step interaction with their fathers - a moment by moment experience. They yearn to walk in rhythm that once the father-son journey is put on hold too long, if they miss a step or the dance doesn't take place at all they are thrown off balance. It is not a perfect world and things don’t always work out as planned but thank God for uncles and other male figures who assume this role for missing fathers. However left on their own boys begin to grope around and often it's the mom or a lady figure that they cling to and attempt to mold themselves against.

Boys need the assurance that even when they are vulnerable, they can call on their fathers just like Jesus did. “Abba, Father”   Mark 14:36, John 17: 6 – 26

One may argue for boys who are drawn to same-sex relations in spite of the father’s presence but the question I pose is - Are these father's really present for the boys? Do they spend quality time to draw out the most intimate thoughts and questions these young boys have?

The pursuit of career tends to create rifts between fathers and family. Swallowed up in a love for work they neglect to groom and nature their boys. Boys hunger for definition to know who they are but are left at the mercies of everybody else; friends at school, uncles and other people who will attempt knowingly or unknowingly to fill the gap.

Since humans are adaptable, some boys take it upon themselves to define who they are and with a blank slate they pick from both genders and form what suits them. Others will loathe their fathers and attempt to be the exact opposite of what their fathers represent. Conscious of the hurt and emptiness he experienced, the boy with a protective, go-get temperament attempts to be father to his friends, he attempts to protect them. To fill the emptiness he felt with the hope that while he acts as an umbrella for others, his insatiable hunger will be quenched.

Jesus mission to do his father’s will was not by accident. Even though He was God, He walked in the shoes of a man. A young man longs for his father’s approval, it is a fire that burns within his soul. It is the reason he lives and breathes for identity, approval and purpose.

The father - son relationship is the most delicate - from it society is determined, formed and shaped. In this relations the characteristics of Leadership, decision making and purpose are created. We need to pay more attention to Father- Son relationships in order to preserve society.

Even as I settle in as an immigrant I fail to barge on certain ideals. I fail to completely blend in; certain beliefs, practices and ideas set off alarm bells that will not be silenced. They may change tone but not be hushed out. My prayer is “Let the bells ring. For me. For my children. For my children’s children until He returns”.