I'm all grown up now

There will always be prettier girls, with firmer abs, whiter teeth, longer hair, bigger busts and perfect body shapes. There will always be more intelligent human beings with out- of- this -world ideas. They will sing better, be more confident, be “the best friend” and do “the job” with excellence and that’s just fine.


But, NO ONE can be me better than me.

As I hug the shore of 35 I reflect on who I’ve become.

I look into the mirror and I see a woman, a grown woman, a wife, a mother, a mentor, a friend. I look again and the tell tale signs are everywhere - I have been around for some time. According to research everything goes downhill from here on; cells don’t replace as fast and I’m sorta slowing down. Can I deal with that and accept it gracefully?

A part of me goes into panic mode, alarms bells set off in my head, question marks circling my mind like eager children singing “a ring a ring of roses” .

What have I done with my life?

I look through lenses of this world, this culture, this society and quite frankly I don’t measure up. I haven’t hit that career mark. I don’t possess the fancy car or live in a house that I call my own. My son is not enrolled in “the school” neither does he possess toys of the latest cartoon character.

When I blink and look again with Jesus lens, my fears are calmed, I’m confident and secure because all I see is love, and then I feel like a little girl – “I’ll always be a little girl in Father's eyes”

In God’s hands I can BE, I can DO
In Him there are no time limits, Sarah; Abraham’s wife can tell you all about that.
In Him I’m bigger and better, so if I have 2 days, or 2 decades left, in Christ I’m maximized.
I know I won’t leave this world alive, so I want to make it count and it can only count in Christ.
My true satisfaction is in God, in being the best me that God intended.

I will dance the funky chicken, watch cartoons, laugh with abandon, give tighter hugs, love my body and look after it better, turn the music loud, get in touch with the madness within. For in doing this I will be praising my creator. Life is not about me, it’s about Him and I’m only here for Him and His purposes. So if my plans for me are not fulfilled its fine, what counts is His plans for me being accomplished.

Life is a gift.
I want to give it through a smile, a touch, a prayer; to live in the moment, to celebrate friendships, to use all my gifts and talents.

I like the confidence that I’ve adorned with the years, I’m no longer naïve, and I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I can do and choose to focus on that, for my shortcomings, well, I pray for grace to accept them and wisdom to know the difference.

Hello world, here I come.

Now let’s do this!!!

My two cents on this Tenth Anniversary

Time flies when you’re having fun!


1997-1999. 2 awesome years of waiting on the mail man, secretly praying that when I checked the mail book at the KPC reception I would see my name or that the Maria would say “Hi Mary, you’ve got mail”.

1999-2000. A brilliant mind invented Internet and my troubles matured to Eudora, inventing a yahoo email address and typing a message finger by slow finger like I was bursting bubbles with each key; Finding an internet café or tracking down Koma at the MUK computer lab and then queuing for the one PC that everyone wanted to use. Oh! How my heart would sink when I saw “No unread messages”.

So the virtual relationship lasted 3 years. In the 4th year we wed. I said my vows eagerly – I was marrying my best friend. We enjoyed 2 years of blissful companion ship before Mich showed up, then life changed. There was a lot more on my plate – a baby who depended on me, a husband who felt threatened by this little bundle of “selfishness”; church ministry took a back sit, keeping friendships and a career became immense hard work . A whole new world!

My waist line got erased and kilos crept on with relatives and friends. With all the exhaustion and frustration came misunderstandings, arguments and stress. Do we still love each other? Are we growing apart? Was this love thing for real? The commitment to talking things through, facing the nasty things about one’s self, owning up for mistakes, understanding that we are both not perfect and struggling to keep Jesus in the picture helps us through the rough patches.

7 years later Amani made her grand entry.
Family comes first; working after hours is not encouraged. Ask questions, read between the lines. Spend time together, you’ll argue more, rub each other the wrong way more but in the process you’ll understand each other better.

Never underestimate backgrounds, childhood experiences and family traditions. For a while I thought Sam came from the craziest family ever and he thought my family had lost it. It was as though we were the only two sane survivors from either side but we didn’t totally escape. Just like a person who passes through smoke comes away with a whiff, we each had our family scents. One quick example; My dad always bought groceries, he came home with chicken, bread, sugar, snacks, bananas e.t.c No, he was not given a shopping list and no, it was not expected of him, but each time we were all pleasantly surprised. On the other hand Sam’s mom did all the shopping without any exceptions. So you can imagine my chaos and speechlessnessssssss when he would come home empty handed after passing a supermarket. Expectations, assumptions, very key. The more time I spent with his family the more I understood the “whys” and the “where for’s” and he likewise, but I advise that you spend the time in small doses, an over doze in a short period can be fatal.

Our roles have been defined along the way. He is disciplined with money, so he handles the family finances. I love to eat so the kitchen is my territory.

We celebrate each other’s victories; Job promotions, recognitions, opportunities, successes. We have had the opportunity to suffer loss too. When Sam lost his job a few years ago it was a crisis. He needed encouragement, reassurance and space. I never saw him more vulnerable and partly I didn’t understand it, so at times I wasn’t sure how to handle him, so I took him to The Cross and prayed that some guy would reach out to him so they could speak the same language. A year or two before that I lost two handsome little boys and devastated can hardly describe my state at the time. Sam couldn’t quite fill the void or soothe the hurt so I run to The Cross. Along the way we have realized that he can’t be everything to me and neither can I to him. Jesus has continued to be our corner stone and then out of the blue a friend calls and they are a breath of fresh air, a just-in-time blessing because they understand the situation so well and can finish our sentences.

Do we get attracted to other people? Of course! It’s what you do with it that makes all the difference. Intimacy? It can be a trick especially after kids – exhaustion, too many demands from every corner, monotony, life!!! But like the marriage, you work at it.

10 years on, the love continues to marinate.

Because He lives we can handle tomorrow.

A letter to Father

This night I can barely sleep, got heavy thoughts weighing on my mind.
I lost a friend, a brother.
Even though I seldom saw him, his demise leaves me wrecked.

Your ways are not our ways; your thoughts are not our thoughts. You know the end from the beginning and nothing takes you by surprise. You watched it unfold, every second, every minute, every … Tick-Tock!
So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart oh God completely to you. I bow in humble reverence, prostrate in awe, and thank you for the life Paul Kim lived and the fresh budding life you replace his with in little Kisha.

You are an amazing God completely; I know you are watching over Olivia.

Thanks for the reminder that my life is not my own.

Love you Jesus

Teary eyed and fearfully yours,

Mary

HAPPY EASTER

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live


There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
Easter is my favorite Christian festival. It is the reason I live today. Christ’s mind boggling love and obedience to His father brings me to my knees in awe and adoration. The cross is explosive, it’s potent, it’s life changing. The blood that Jesus shed changed the course of history and changes our lives to date. It hasn’t caked, it hasn’t ebbed, it is fresh, warm and throbbing with love.

When I think about the cross and its power, my insides tremble and I cry in reverence, not so much because Jesus felt pain but because of what His death means; The power of life that emerged from His death, The Life that we live because He died.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
There is joy, an incomprehensible peace, a wonderful confidence that I live in. It is not tied to circumstances around me - whether in pain and sorrow, or happiness, there is that deeply seated peace in my gut. That even on the road marked with suffering, even when there is pain in the offering, I can still whisper “Blessed Be Your Name”.

“Friends” deserted me, I have been insincere, the church has failed me (I can’t depend on an institution), I have been disappointed to know Christians have taken bribes. I have seen marriages fall apart and I hurt, I hurt so bad, but for some reason beyond me, I’m not shaken, I know everything in the world is fleeting BUT GOD! He is my fallback position no matter what.

On Christ the Solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand


No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

Whatever burden you carry
Whatever dream is in your heart, whatever vision is in your mind
Bring it to the cross, LAY IT DOWN
Rest a while.

Look around and pick up the parcel inscribed with your name. There is a parcel with your name, you might need to stay longer, look a little harder but don’t be frantic. Take your time, sometimes is not about picking your parcel but about the time you spend there. God wants to love on you, run His fingers through your hair, give you a bear hug, caress you under the chin, and raise your chin up so He can look into your eyes.

Even if there is no parcel, He wants you to be okay with it. To be confident in His love, that you know Him enough to believe He has a good reason, He is working it out, He didn’t forget.

Dream without Restraint

Pray without Restraint

Love without Restraint

Ask without Restraint

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37- 38

Happy Easter!!!

Arrested

I just figured out how people get caught by fashion police. I can’t vouch for every single one because some people just have bad fashion sense, they can’t help it. But some others, some others get caught on the wrong footing and others like me have just lost their oomph. I have overly rubbed marriage and babies in the dirt but please allow me to do it one more time. I see red flags going off. No! Am not bad mouthing marriage, it’s the awesomesstest institution ever but then I’m not writing to convince you either way. I’m just saying that things change, you’ve got to put in an extra effort to keep yourself priority otherwise things slip away, slip down, slip around – the works. Ask Paul.
In 1 Corinthians 7: 28 he says “All I am saying is that when you marry, you take on additional stress in an already stressful time, and I want to spare you if possible”.


In verse 32 he says "I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions".

Now that I have laid a good foundation for my case, I can tell you what happened. Sam was involved in organizing an important office function – stress is an understatement but he pulled it off praise God! Kati as his mukyala I attended to morale boost, support, you get the gist. But this mama forgot that for such events you’ve got to look spiffy. Back in the day it was second nature – lip gloss, powder, mascara extra extra, now, I was just thinking of being there and not so much to look like a million bucks. I forgot that these functions are infested with paparazzi. I stepped in the room and I was immediately blinded by the flashes. Oh my! What are they going to do with those pictures? I hope I don’t end up on that fashion police page, how shall I explain the circumstances?

If they put my unpowdered face or my jeans and jacket frame in any public journal, I will have to follow it up with a disclaimer or just remain in my cocoon aka my house.

Have a lovely weekend

PS: Ladies this is no excuse to let yourself go, I am just saying.

Traumatized!!

I have been in the house too long. This parenting/marriage thing has left me socially kwashiorkored. Seriously!
So, the other day I had a date with a girlfriend at Javas - Nakumatt. I planned to spend at least an hour with her before heading home. I got there early so we could maximize the moments.

I walked into the coffee shop and all eyes turned to look at me. I swear it was not in my head, it happened for real. “Mommy!” I nearly bit my fingers. I quickly found an empty table and sat down to save my legs from giving way. Eish!!

After catching my breath I scanned the room, my friend was not there yet but wow! There were loads of pretty ladies, dressed in every manner of fashion - as though they were all there to make a statement. There was a sense of pride in the air, don’t ask me how I perceived it. With their eyes and gestures they asked, “And who might you be?” No, I’m not paranoid.

I struggled to make an order because the Customer relations lady or whatever special name they give themselves didn’t mind me but I insisted.

As I munched on my tasty Chicken salad, I occasionally glanced up, just in case I spotted my friend coming in. I felt a laser sharp stare from the corner of the patio; an Arabic man was staring at me. For a moment I thought I just happened to be in the way of his thoughts. I glanced up again and he was still looking at me, swallowing was becoming difficult but I tried to concentrate. I raised my head, now looking at the entrance and an Ethiopian looking guy gave me a silly smile, I pretended not to notice, but he kept looking in my direction, I hoped my friend would walk in, but there was no sign of her. I never felt so vulnerable.

I quickly finished my meal, paid the waiter and sprung out. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got home to the more familiar people in my life. Phewx!

Missing you

My dear blog,

I miss you so. . .
Do you miss me too? Because you see, I miss you
Life’s been crazy lately -  juggling 6 balls is not a joke.

Please don’t frown, don’t misunderstand me
It doesn’t mean I like you any less, it’s just that right now, well right now, I have a lot on my plate.

Whhooooo! I blow the dust off and it runs right back to me
Falling on my face as if to blame me for the mess
Aa aa chooooo! Excuse me!

I've got a lot to say and you do too
I hope

Let’s make a date Just you and me
We'll shut the world outside
Shhh!