The Anchor Holds

We all face challenges in life, some of which I may not be able to fathom but the most beautiful thing about it all is knowing that, through the storms and ship wrecks God is always there, He is our Strength, our Hope, our Anchor, our Everything.
"The Anchor Holds".

Words and music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Ive had visions
Ive had dreams
Ive even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, thats where God proved
His love to me

CHORUS (repeat)

Birthday Boy

Today is Mich's 4th birthday. It's amazing how fast time goes by.

So I reminded him about his birthday last night and he was really excited. He said "mummy, I thought my birthday would never come". He has certainly been waiting a long time, what with all the parties he has been attending.

When asked what he wanted for his birthday he said sugar, sweets and cake. I found that hillarious and yet very sincere, those are the things he loves.
Lately the sugar bowl has been disappearing from the kitchen cupboard, then it appears under bed covers, what do you know???

Just before I left his room he said, "but I need some presents", so I asked, like what? he said "uhmm, like a parashooter", don't ask me what that is because Sam and I are still trying to decode that one. The more farmiliar things were, a submarine (whatever for?), spiderman, batman and the power rangers.

We gave him a good surprise this morning, snuck into his room and just as he was stiring we begun to sing.




Then he got to share his cake with his class mates.

Jesus Bring The Rain

So I have shared with you how I lost two children last year and how God has never been closer. I'm so excited about Him and knowing that He holds my life in His hands. God has given me a joy and a peace that is definitely from heavens throne.
I have had people ask me how I can be happy and talk about God with such tenderness even with all I have gone through. It's hard to explain sometimes but I really know that God is a good God and He has the best for me.
I continue to pray, "I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. ".

Obviously thinking about Nziiza and Kwizera still brings tears to my eyes (sometimes) but more than that it brings Jesus even closer. He continues to be the center of my focus, I accept whatever He brings the good and the not so good.

One day I heard this song on the radio and my expression was "what??, someone put these words to a song?!" absolutely amazing.



"Bring The Rain" by Mercyme
I can count a million times
People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You


Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy Is the Lord God Almighty

The River

There are certain songs that are simply beautiful and real. This is one of them, I love it, love it, love it.
When I think about modern day "King Davids", Brian Doerksen is one of the worship leaders that comes to mind.

What did we do before youtube again?.

god mother

My god daughter arrived early this morning, little Alicia Ochipinti, she is gorgeous!

Do you see Jesus in your clouds?

I came across the following excerpt from the devotional, My utmost for His highest by Oswald Chambers.

In the Bible clouds are always associated with God. Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith. "The clouds are the dust of His feet" ( Nahum 1:3 ). They are a sign that God is there. What a revelation it is to know that sorrow, bereavement, and suffering are actually the clouds that come along with God! God cannot come near us without clouds— He does not come in clear-shining brightness.

It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child— a relationship simply between God and our own souls, and where other people are but shadows. Until other people become shadows to us, clouds and darkness will be ours every once in a while. Is our relationship with God becoming more simple than it has ever been?

There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him.

". . . they were fearful as they entered the cloud" (Luke 9:34). Is there anyone except Jesus in your cloud? If so, it will only get darker until you get to the place where there is "no one anymore, but only Jesus . . ." (Mark 9:8 ; also see Mark 2-7 ).

-- No author assigned in CUT

Music

It's amazing what happens when you purpose to look for God in the daily hustles of life.
Last week I went by the Penn book store, I wanted to check out what music they had and to get an idea of how much I would spend. I found a few of the artists I was looking for but I'd not spend less than $50 on all the music. It's not a bad idea to dream, I thought well, some day I will get the music.
I was looking at Martha Munizzi, India Arie, MercyMe, Chris Tomlin and some the more recent Hillsong United.

Today I was rushing off to pick Mich and on the way I saw some CD's that had been thrown by the side of the road. I thought it would do me no harm to check them out and besides there was no one around so I did my business real fast. Interesting!, I found Martha Munizzi's "The best is yet to come", Fred Hammond's "Somethin' 'bout love", WOW 1999, and India Arie's Testimony Volume 1 and 2.

This is so cool, I'm blessed. Everyday Jesus reminds me how much He cares. I'd like to think that each of these album titles are messages for me.

Salsa

Yesterday I went for a Salsa audition.
Wharton is preparing for it's annual International Cultural Show and students and partners are welcome to participate.
I signed up for Salsa and the African dance.

So yesterday I got an email invitation for the audition and I thought cool!, finally things are coming together. It was fun, I happened to be the only partner, the rest were students but that was fine. The choreographer was very friendly and kind of put us all at ease.

He begun to play the music and man! it was nice and full of rhythm. Then he taught us a few moves and we practiced those for a while. I got a hang of it.
Then came part two, the couple dance. There were only three guys so all the ladies had to take turns dancing with them.
Wow! I begun to sweat, all over sudden the place was crammed and hot, 'open the windows people, can't breath' (it's the middle of winter girl, you don't open windows). Anyway my issue was and still is, I haven't danced up close with a guy since... well I can't remember. Yes, I'm married but you know, Sam isn't into dancing. Ok may be he does dance but in most cases we are spread out lest some one (me) loses a toe or something that drastic. By the way I had to ask for permission before putting all this info out here so don't worry, Sam and I are cool.
Everything went down hill from the "couple" stage, I was not able to concentrate and I messed up a lot.
I don't know if I will be called back for the dance but I think it's okay. Some of those moves were really hot, I went home wondering if I could actually dance. I need to cross check you know.

Round 2

Continued

Our time in Dallas was over and we were ready to head back to Philadelphia.

I was a little excited about getting back because we were returning to what was familiar. I was getting back to friends I had made, to church and Philly.
My pastor and his wife had been in touch over the summer and had prayed with us. It was nice seeing them again.

Then I found out I was pregnant again, yee! that's cool!.
I began my prenatal visits immediately. A week after my 16 weeks (4 months) prenatal visit, I noticed something which I thought was quite unusual. I called the hospital but since I wasn't feeling any kind of pain they were reluctant to see me but I went anyway.
The Doctor examined me and said my water bag was bulging out of my cervix and it was only a matter of time before I would go into labor.
It was absolutely terrifying receiving this news all by myself.
I almost fainted, I was mortified and in absolute shock. My body was shaking like a leaf. I just couldn’t believe what she was saying. I kept saying "Jesus no, this can’t be happening again".
The doctor asked me who I had come with and I told her I was alone, Sam was home with Mich. She asked me to stay the night so they could monitor me.
Man! it was horrible, this thing of being alone in the toughest of times was getting a bit much.
I called Sam, told him what the doctor had said and asked him to contact Becca (the pastors wife).
Becca got the news and showed up at 2am to spent the night with me in hospital. God sent an angel.

The doctor came to check on me, there was no change. I asked her if there was any way they could save the situation and she said no. I began bargaining with her, how about this, or that, maybe... again she said "I'm sorry but there is nothing else we can do".
Then she said even doctors can only do so much, it's in God's hands. After she said that I kept quiet, she had hit the nail on the head. Only God could work this situation.

I was sent home and put on strict bed rest. I had never thought about it but strict bed rest is extremely tough, tough, tough. I tried to read and do other things in bed, it was only two days and I felt like it had been weeks. The aches, the helplessness, the anxiety, a bit much.
Sam held the fort heroically bless God, he was able to look after both Mich and I. He washed Mich, created meals (seeing as cooking is not exactly one of his strengths) and was basically our nurse.
My Pastor and his wife were there for us in an amazing way, they cooked us a meal, looked after Mich and prayed with us.
On Sunday I got a call from the doctor, she had spoken to one of the high risk doctors who was willing to see me for what it was worth.

So Monday we went in and did the ultra sound, things had not changed, everything was like it was on Friday night.

So we had a talk,

-bed rest; I'm 19 weeks at this point, if I stay on bed rest for another 6 weeks maybe, just maybe the baby will have a chance. That means possibility of all kinds of deformities, deafness, blindness, bone problems, stomach problems e.t.c but that is only and only if baby can even make it out of the delivery room.

-Cervical cerclage;, we couldn't even go down that road, I was way past the safe period to have that done, the water bag was already in the way. So either the water bag breaks as they try to push it back or the cause damage to the cervix since it was already so thin.

-Let nature take it's course; lets leave things as they are and see how far you go. The process is already started so we can't reverse things now, it will only be a matter of time. Stay on bed rest but remember that the likelihood of infection is greatly increased.

-Induction, get the process started and have it all done so that I don't face the risk of getting an infection or putting my life in danger.

Which ever way we looked at it I was losing my baby.
I had feelings of anger, of being a victim, of sorrow, of helplessness, of disappointment to mention but a few.
I tried to contact my doctor, she had seen me 4 days before all this and had said I was doing great. Somehow I couldn't get her.
That night I was admitted to hospital and guess what?! it was my doctor on duty.
She walked in the door and was at a loss for words. She took hold of my hand and I saw tears well up in her eyes. I knew she was sorry, it wasn't her fault anyway. Then she said "Mary I will stay here and hold your hand all through the night, if that is what you want me to do". I broke down and cried, and cried and cried, the pain of loosing another child was indescribable. What really hurt me was the fact that the baby was fine, moving and kicking and secure.
Kwizera (meaning faith) was born on the morning of the 17th December. He was a cutie too, he looked just like Mich but really tiny.

I felt God was holding my hand and saying I will get you through this, I’m here with you.
"It's tough, I'm not taking away the pain or heartache but I'm here and I will see you through".
My heart was quickened to Psalm 121 where he says He who watches over you will not sleep. He wasn’t a sleep or unaware of what was happening to me. He was with me when I went for my appointments. He could have changed everything but He didn't, there had to be a reason.
I found my comfort right there, knowing that all this is not hidden from His sight and He knows just what to do.

I surrender

Continued

Five days after we got to Dallas Sam had to begin work.
He flew to Houston every Monday morning and flew back every Thursday night.

For a while there I thought I would loose it, I was basically on my own.
I had no one to talk to, on top of that Mich had his own issues. He wanted to play, he wanted to be carried, he wanted to explore all of Dallas, everything was new and exciting for him.
I felt so drained. I literally woke up everyday for his sake, to make him breakfast, give him a bath, take him out to play, everything.

That said Dallas was breath takingly beautiful, it was so green, so neat, so peaceful, the perfect place for solitude. Down by the springs was a glorious expression of God's creation. Everything was in harmony, the birds chirping, the squirrels darting around, the ducks moving gracefully, the fish and turtles in the water, beautiful!. It was the best place for meditation, you couldn't deny there was a God, but my heart was bleeding. It was a bitter sweet experience.
Now, looking back I know He was calling me aside, to rest a while in His presence.He made me lie down in green pastures, He led me beside the quiet waters,
He was restoring my soul, guiding me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death,He was with me; His rod and His staff, they comforted me.












Walking around I felt like a zombie, like people could see me but again couldn't see me. Nobody knew me or what I was going through, I was surviving some how. I so badly needed comfort, I needed someone to take care of me but there was no one.
I lived for the emails and phone calls from family and friends but they could only do so much from a distance. I remember telling some of my friends back home what had happened and I didn't ever hear back from them. That crushed me, the time I needed them most they were not there.The only person I could run to was God, He had to be my everything. He was the only one who knew exactly how I felt and He was the only one who could truly comfort me.

I remember singing this song and choking with tears.


Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name...

You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

Isaiah 6:1 says, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and the skirts of His train filled the temple".
Just like Isaiah all my kings had died, my husband was in Houston, my family was over the ocean and I had no friends to hold me. THEN I saw the Lord! exalted high He was that faithful friend who held my heart and my hurt.
One evening I was taking a walk in the park, talking to God and telling Him how I was looking forward to seeing His blessings out of this. He told me, my love and devotion should not be dependent on what He is going to do for me because then my love is not genuine. He said, I needed to love Him regardless of whether or not He blessed me. That left me speechless.

The next morning I heard this song on radio and it said what my heart was crying.




I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see your majesty
To be still and know that your in this place
Please let me stay and rest In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You,
Beyond the music beyond the noise,
All that I need is to be with you
And in the quiet hear your voice.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay.
I reached the point of surrender, I said;
"I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. If it means giving away all that I am, all that I have, health, family, friends, all the things that "define me", then let it be. God if it means taking my life so that Glory comes to you, LET IT BE. It's painful, it's hard, but I surrender all".
Immediately there was a big burden lifted off of me and I was filled with inexplicable Joy. Oh what JOY!!!.
Nothing could compare with the freedom of knowing God was in charge and that I could trust Him with my life.
Then I knew that God truly understood what I was feeling because He gave His only son to die for me. He felt the pain of loosing a child, the sorrow of having to turn away from His son because He was covered with our sin.
As if that was not enough, I was reminded that Jesus had walked my road. He didn't just understand but He had been through it. He had struggled with God's will, to the point of sweating blood.
Matthew 26:38-39 "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" '