I surrender
Continued
Five days after we got to Dallas Sam had to begin work.
He flew to Houston every Monday morning and flew back every Thursday night.
For a while there I thought I would loose it, I was basically on my own.
I had no one to talk to, on top of that Mich had his own issues. He wanted to play, he wanted to be carried, he wanted to explore all of Dallas, everything was new and exciting for him.
I felt so drained. I literally woke up everyday for his sake, to make him breakfast, give him a bath, take him out to play, everything.
That said Dallas was breath takingly beautiful, it was so green, so neat, so peaceful, the perfect place for solitude. Down by the springs was a glorious expression of God's creation. Everything was in harmony, the birds chirping, the squirrels darting around, the ducks moving gracefully, the fish and turtles in the water, beautiful!. It was the best place for meditation, you couldn't deny there was a God, but my heart was bleeding. It was a bitter sweet experience.
Now, looking back I know He was calling me aside, to rest a while in His presence.He made me lie down in green pastures, He led me beside the quiet waters,
He was restoring my soul, guiding me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death,He was with me; His rod and His staff, they comforted me.
Walking around I felt like a zombie, like people could see me but again couldn't see me. Nobody knew me or what I was going through, I was surviving some how. I so badly needed comfort, I needed someone to take care of me but there was no one.
I lived for the emails and phone calls from family and friends but they could only do so much from a distance. I remember telling some of my friends back home what had happened and I didn't ever hear back from them. That crushed me, the time I needed them most they were not there.The only person I could run to was God, He had to be my everything. He was the only one who knew exactly how I felt and He was the only one who could truly comfort me.
I remember singing this song and choking with tears.
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name...
You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.
Isaiah 6:1 says, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and the skirts of His train filled the temple".
Just like Isaiah all my kings had died, my husband was in Houston, my family was over the ocean and I had no friends to hold me. THEN I saw the Lord! exalted high He was that faithful friend who held my heart and my hurt.
One evening I was taking a walk in the park, talking to God and telling Him how I was looking forward to seeing His blessings out of this. He told me, my love and devotion should not be dependent on what He is going to do for me because then my love is not genuine. He said, I needed to love Him regardless of whether or not He blessed me. That left me speechless.
The next morning I heard this song on radio and it said what my heart was crying.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see your majesty
To be still and know that your in this place
Please let me stay and rest In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You,
Beyond the music beyond the noise,
All that I need is to be with you
And in the quiet hear your voice.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay.
I reached the point of surrender, I said;
"I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. If it means giving away all that I am, all that I have, health, family, friends, all the things that "define me", then let it be. God if it means taking my life so that Glory comes to you, LET IT BE. It's painful, it's hard, but I surrender all".
Immediately there was a big burden lifted off of me and I was filled with inexplicable Joy. Oh what JOY!!!.
Nothing could compare with the freedom of knowing God was in charge and that I could trust Him with my life.
Then I knew that God truly understood what I was feeling because He gave His only son to die for me. He felt the pain of loosing a child, the sorrow of having to turn away from His son because He was covered with our sin.
As if that was not enough, I was reminded that Jesus had walked my road. He didn't just understand but He had been through it. He had struggled with God's will, to the point of sweating blood.
Matthew 26:38-39 "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" '
Five days after we got to Dallas Sam had to begin work.
He flew to Houston every Monday morning and flew back every Thursday night.
For a while there I thought I would loose it, I was basically on my own.
I had no one to talk to, on top of that Mich had his own issues. He wanted to play, he wanted to be carried, he wanted to explore all of Dallas, everything was new and exciting for him.
I felt so drained. I literally woke up everyday for his sake, to make him breakfast, give him a bath, take him out to play, everything.
That said Dallas was breath takingly beautiful, it was so green, so neat, so peaceful, the perfect place for solitude. Down by the springs was a glorious expression of God's creation. Everything was in harmony, the birds chirping, the squirrels darting around, the ducks moving gracefully, the fish and turtles in the water, beautiful!. It was the best place for meditation, you couldn't deny there was a God, but my heart was bleeding. It was a bitter sweet experience.
Now, looking back I know He was calling me aside, to rest a while in His presence.He made me lie down in green pastures, He led me beside the quiet waters,
He was restoring my soul, guiding me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death,He was with me; His rod and His staff, they comforted me.
Walking around I felt like a zombie, like people could see me but again couldn't see me. Nobody knew me or what I was going through, I was surviving some how. I so badly needed comfort, I needed someone to take care of me but there was no one.
I lived for the emails and phone calls from family and friends but they could only do so much from a distance. I remember telling some of my friends back home what had happened and I didn't ever hear back from them. That crushed me, the time I needed them most they were not there.The only person I could run to was God, He had to be my everything. He was the only one who knew exactly how I felt and He was the only one who could truly comfort me.
I remember singing this song and choking with tears.
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name...
You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.
Isaiah 6:1 says, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and the skirts of His train filled the temple".
Just like Isaiah all my kings had died, my husband was in Houston, my family was over the ocean and I had no friends to hold me. THEN I saw the Lord! exalted high He was that faithful friend who held my heart and my hurt.
One evening I was taking a walk in the park, talking to God and telling Him how I was looking forward to seeing His blessings out of this. He told me, my love and devotion should not be dependent on what He is going to do for me because then my love is not genuine. He said, I needed to love Him regardless of whether or not He blessed me. That left me speechless.
The next morning I heard this song on radio and it said what my heart was crying.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see your majesty
To be still and know that your in this place
Please let me stay and rest In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You,
Beyond the music beyond the noise,
All that I need is to be with you
And in the quiet hear your voice.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay.
I reached the point of surrender, I said;
"I would rather not go through these tough circumstances but if all this is so that your name is glorified, bring it on. If it means giving away all that I am, all that I have, health, family, friends, all the things that "define me", then let it be. God if it means taking my life so that Glory comes to you, LET IT BE. It's painful, it's hard, but I surrender all".
Immediately there was a big burden lifted off of me and I was filled with inexplicable Joy. Oh what JOY!!!.
Nothing could compare with the freedom of knowing God was in charge and that I could trust Him with my life.
Then I knew that God truly understood what I was feeling because He gave His only son to die for me. He felt the pain of loosing a child, the sorrow of having to turn away from His son because He was covered with our sin.
As if that was not enough, I was reminded that Jesus had walked my road. He didn't just understand but He had been through it. He had struggled with God's will, to the point of sweating blood.
Matthew 26:38-39 "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" '
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