All the singlemarried ladies!

Once upon a time, when my mind brimmed over with naivety, I assumed marriage was an institution for old folk.
Time inched forward (like it always does) and brides and grooms adopted faces of people I knew. They were not contemporaries per se but people I related with. Suddenly I felt the urge to walk … away; I preferred them at a calculated distance. They complicated life. We were cautioned to steer clear of married men, innocent friendships were suspect. Wives huffed and puffed when younger girls engaged in conversations with their husbands, cordial relations ended on that note. It was a zone to tread carefully, if at all.


Gradually close friends caught “the bug” and interactions after the wedding felt odd. The walk down the aisle and the wave as they drove off into their honeymoon built a wedge between us – they, in that instant had experienced something unique, something we couldn’t share. On their return, we were all thrilled and bubbly - questions, stories, experiences to share. But silently, weirdly, in my mind, they had grown a third head – they were different. Time no longer waited on us, “he” had to go, to cook, to clean, to love, to nature this new institution. Suddenly “he” (time) was more precious to my married friends.

Then I caught the bug. I got married. I grew a third head. I was thrilled to see my girlfriends again but our experiences and responsibilities were like the two roads that diverged in a yellow wood, I was sorry I couldn’t travel both (or so I thought). I on occasion bowed to societal pressure; a married woman should only spend time with other married women, she should delete all male friends and cancel “un mutual” friendships. She should not sing in the choir – too much time spent away from home chores. Choose a ministry that isn’t time consuming and keep out of the lime light. Avoid activities that necessitate having either one or both legs off the ground i.e. dancing, jumping… get the drift? – Total taboo for a married woman.

Friendship circles evolved. I spent more time with other married couples. Then the babies crawled into the picture and conversations turned to c-section or natural delivery, blue or pink, breast feeding or bottles, staying home or going back to work, first teeth, and first words, walking, first day at school and on. The over tones of “wife” and “mother” drowned out all youthfulness. Conversations were one tracked. Who were these women? Why was every conversation so intense? What happened to the light moments of life?

Unable to relate, single girlfriends distanced themselves. The cookie cut marriage molded by society had apartheid tendencies. Along the way the girl in me got reawakened, she wanted to do girly things, go for coffee, stay out late or watch a movie with a friend other than my husband. It was refreshing. Every wife/mother should do this from time to time. I cherish times spent with my single girlfriends, I appreciate their longings, and we reminisce over times gone by and realize that we still have strong ties that bind us together.

A note to married girlfriends: Your single friends aren’t always eager to know what your children are up to or how your husband is. Pause for a moment to think and talk about you outside the roles of wife and mother. It’s easy to get lost in these roles and lose self, you become less embracing of life and the beauty there in.

Stop and smell the roses.

Walk to Campus; take a trip to high school, to camp, to your first fellowship, to P1. Do it literally or in your mind, do you see the people that made you smile? Are you still in touch?

A note to the single girlfriends: Give us a heads up when you plan those outings to the beach or the other cozy joint. We want to have fun too, yes, with you.